Outward and inward

When the things that used to bring you pleasure before start giving you no satisfaction what should you do? Stop doing them? That'd be the easy answer, of course, sometimes I like to beat the dead horse for awhile just to see if the good times will come back.

Evolving through the years is kind of a bitch. I think I've lost more hobbies than I have and my efforts to revisit the old ones, 'just to see' have not gone very well. I suppose it's like your old flame. It takes round two to see exactly what it was that caused the break up in the first place. Fortunately I've never had that sort of romantic masochism to deal with. My concerns are mundane, I used to play video/computer games a lot, I used to go fishing, I used to throw things (knives and such), and now I rarely do any of those things. I open up a 'good video game' once in a while to see if I can get back into them, but the pleasure is just gone, man, gone.

I haven't converted to hating them or even giving them the cold disdain that I might show my dog when he's taken the liberty of dropping a deuce on the floor five minutes after he comes in from outside. No, it's more morose than that. Like something is missing, yet it's right in front of me and I can't. Quite. Touch. It.

Now I'm thinking ahead; what happens when what I do to make life living loses its shine? I haven't thought this way before, but what happens when I reach the end of the hall and there ISN'T a door to go through? I always anticipated there would be more hallways and doors than I had life to explore. This is probably why people turn to substance abuse.

On a completely different subject, my ex-girlfriends mother died. It was sudden (heart attack) and I found out not through her, but through her niece. I barely knew the lady, but she was there for a me a couple of times with advice and help and I suspect she pulled a few strings to make my life easier when I wasn't around too. So I feel...sad. I haven't spoken to her in almost twenty years, but still. Weird, eh? Adding to the morose feeling is that there isn't a good person to talk to about this, no, not at all. (Not to mention the unease I have about feeling a need to talk to anyone about it.) I mean you tell your wife that you're bummed because your ex-girlfriend's mom died and what reaction would you expect  Really who would you go to about that? I chose the internet. Comfort me.

Some people would chose a religious figure, but I never understood the appeal. Religion as a whole is confusing to me. You shouldn't be sad when someone dies, you should be happy, I mean, they're in heaven, right? Unless you suspect they didn't make the grade, then you have to feel a little uneasy as you compare their life to your own and realize YOU might not make the grade...unless they were a rat bastard, in which case you give yourself mental 'high fives'...until you realize THAT might not help you past the pearly gates either.

So, zombies, eh? I haven't read a book in almost two weeks. That's like, a record dating back to 1982 or something. I have a couple emergency books at home I might break out, but time is the thing, I have little of it.